Cath Kidston - for women who yearn to be back in the womb...

I don't get Cath Kidston. My wife and daughter love her stuff. I don't. Admittedly, I probably do not fall into Cath's typical target audience but nonetheless, polka dots and 1950's floral patterns? really?

Anyway, I wrote an email to customer services posing as an Army General looking to brighten the canvas dwellings at Camp Bastion in Afghanistan. The result? Some good banter from Cath's customer service manager and an unexpected delivery of about 6ft of flowery fabric!!! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that... Enjoy:

The partially opened packaging of the material I received one Saturday morning from the delightful people at Cath Kidstons.

As you can see, about 8ft of the stuff. Not quite enough to give Camp Bastion a makeover, but enough for me to make a gorgeous London themed sarong. David Beckham, eat your heart out...

First email to Cath Kidstons:

From: crowley stephen
Sent: 26 June 2014 15:08
To: Cath Kidston Order Enquiries
Subject: Flowery Fabric

Attention and good day.

I am writing to enquire how much it would cost if I ordered 750 metres of flowery fabric for Camp Bastion. I need to replace the original camouflage yurt coverings, with something less intimidating to the locals. Your brand of floral patterns is just what I might be looking for.

kind regards

Sgt Major S. Crowley

The 4th Emergency Service

I complained to the AA. It really requires no further explanation - read on:


Email to AA:

Dear sirs.

As a recovering alcoholic, I find it most inappropriate that you should be advertising restaurants and pubs on your website. Hasn't it occurred to you that you might be dangling a phallus of irresistible temptation right under their noses?!

I look forward to receiving your considered and reasoned response.

kindest regards

Stephen Crowley

 

________________________________________________________________________________

 

This is their dry response:

The law is an ass!

It's official - I am a criminal. A vile reprobate and a menace to society.

I was caught speeding recently. I don't own a particularly fast car, and I am certainly not a boy racer - I am 38 years old, a teacher, I like brown corduroys and shirts made by Barbour....And I am ginger.

Anyway, I was invited on a Driver Speed Awareness Course in forfeit of a fine and points on my licence. I acceeded.

The course was actually quite interesting, and as I mention below, for what it is worth, I genuinely do think the Police do a damned tough and important job - and for the most part, they probably get it right. However, after attending the course, I felt a little aggrieved, so I sent an email to Devon and Cornwall Constabulary:

The man in the picture is me being brutally attacked by the police*

(*entirely untrue)

Email to Devon and Cornwall Constabulary

Letter of appreciation:

Dear sir/madam

The Faceless Face of Customer Facing Food Stores

I use supermarkets like everyone else because they are cheaper than independent stores and they are quick and convenient. However, they are such sterile and clinical places that I do feel alienated at times by the whole experience (see previous post re: Dawn of the Dead).

Anyway, we did some shopping for my mother in law and I spotted a bag of potatoes, the packaging of which just seemed to sum up the banality of these huge homogenised corporations. I wrote to Sainsbury's and tried to offer some advice and guidance:



Dear sir/madam

I am writing to congratulate you on a sublime piece of marketing. See the attached photo. It is a bag of vegetables labelled Potatoes - Great for family meals - Easy and versatile.
 

I would like to offer my thanks to the Marketing guru who came up with that catchy slogan. It works on so many levels. Genius.

Whilst you clearly seem to employ the best in the business, I'd like to offer my services to your Marketing Department as I feel I am on much the same wavelength. I attach some conceptual artwork just as a taster of the unique talent I have to offer.

Conceptual artwork for Baked Beans - sorry, I went a bit out of the lines - this won't happen on the real packaging as I can write all the way round the tin.

Bristol's Bilious Bridge

I hate shopping. I don't go in for all this 'we aim to provide a truly satisfying and unique shopping experience' crap.

Which brings us to Cabot Circus, Bristol's huge shopping redevelopment. To get from the car park to the shopping mall, you need to cross the worst designed bridge I have seen since the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As you walk across it, thanks to the skewed degree of the roofing structure, it makes you feel giddy and causes you to drift sideways as though you were drunk. It isn't just me - I have heard many people complain of similar.

George A Romero's zombie classic 'Dawn of the Dead' (a film primarily set in a shopping mall) is thought to be a satire on American consumerism. Well, folks, with Cabot Circus, we now have a Walking Dead of our own.

So I contacted Cabot Circus management - whilst not much of a success, I enjoyed toying with them by spouting all sorts of nonsense...

_________________________________________________________________ 

My first email to Cabot Circus:

Dear sir/madam

I am writing to express my disgust and frustration at the bridge that greets all shoppers leaving the car park and entering the Cabot Circus shopping centre at level 3. I attach a photo for your perusal.

The first thing you will notice is that the roof is completely on the piss (architectural term). In fact, my mate Roy, who is a brick layer said "whoever designed that mate, is a disgrace to arty texture" (I think he meant 'architecture' but we'd had a few pints by the time I showed him the photo).

My name in flashing lights....kind of.

The wonderful Anthony Matthews and his website 'Dear Customer Relations' the home of the world's funniest complaint letters, has included my PANDORA! epic saga in his website.

Follow this link.

Naked Wines - To the Manor Born!

I received an email from this delightful company telling me I am wonderful and inviting me to a wine tasting session. I was unable to attend, so like any polite person would, I replied to gracefully decline the offer.


Here is the initial email from Naked Wines to me:

11th April

Subject: Fancy a date with your winemakers?

Hello Steve, You're wonderful. And your winemakers want to tell you so in person. Grab your tasting tickets before they're gone. You invest your hard earned pennies each month to fund super-talented, independent winemakers.

And because of that, they're rather fond of you!

Make their day and join them at a wine tasting in Bristol on 23/06/2014 Tickets are only £15  and you'll get your money back if you order on the day.

When: Monday 23rd June 2014
Time: 6:30-9:00pm
Where: Passenger Shed, Temple Meads, Bristol, BS1 6QH.

__________________________________________________________________


...and here is my reply:
12th April


Thank you. I am pleased you think I am wonderful. I would personally prefer the term 'AWESOME!' (capitals only - it has more impact).

Samsung Kitkat Androids....or something like that.

I updated my phone from Android Version 4.3 'Jellybean' to v4.4 'Kitkat' - If you have no idea what I am talking about, I am seriously not making that up. After the update, I had problems with my phone which is well documented on t'internet by other phone and tablet users of the Android OS. I sent the email below and got a swift response - unfortunately the response from Samsung was by phone, but suffice to say, they resolved the problem very quickly and satisfactorily!!!

Enjoy...

Samsung Account Number: XXXXXXXXXX IMEI No: XXXXXXXXXXX/01


I am writing to vent my frustration at the sudden deterioration in my smartphones' performance. Allow me to briefly explain at length:

PANDORA! and the One Ring to Rule them all...

Ok - this email chain is looooong, HOWEVER, I think it is my best work yet. It has humour and wit, pictures, photographs and some witty responses from PANDORA! themselves. (You will see why I refer to this company as PANDORA!, as you read through the email chain)

And the result was £50 by way of an apology. Result!!!

Enjoy..........

_____________________________________________________________________

This is my first complaint email to PANDORA!

1st April 2014

Dear Pandora,

I am writing to seek resolution to something that I never thought would cause so much trauma and heartache - the purchase of a ring for an 11 year old little girl for Christmas.

This whole sorry saga began in November 2013 (see attached photo of receipt as proof of purchase). My wife paid for the ring on the understanding that it would need to be made to order to fit my daughter's sylph like finger. My wife was told that it could take a while and it was likely to be later than Christmas - possibly January of 2014. My daughter really wanted this ring and was prepared to wait. We have after all, raised her to appreciate the middle class virtue of deferred gratification. If that phrase is a little lost on you, think Heinz Tomato Ketchup - the best things come to those who wait...

Christmas came and went. It was traumatic, not least because I undercooked the turkey and made 15 close family members seriously ill with some form of botulism.

Naked Wines - what a jolly good bunch!

Ok, so it seems complaints and mischief letters are like buses. I shalln't say anymore...

I have been a member of Naked Wines for a couple of years and they are great. And I have to say that they handled this complaint fantastically well, if not a little slow to reply (although I guess 4 days isn't unreasonable). This is almost my biggest haul to date, as I got £83 worth of free wine out of it. Result!!!

I have changed names to allow anonymity but these people were high up the chain at Naked Wines. Enjoy!!!

PS: I am aware today is April 1st - this is genuine and not a hoax - just like all my other posts on this blog.

________________________________________________________________________________

28th March 2014 - email chain to Naked Wines:

Dear Roger,

My postcode: XXXX XXX

I have just come off the phone to Peter at your offices. Very pleasant and polite he was too.

The reason for my calling your office was because yesterday I received a case of 12 bottles of red wine which I do not recall ordering.


Nonetheless, I threw caution to the wind and assumed it must be a present from your good self, in recognition of my frugal support of Naked Wines over the last year or two. So, I polished off a bottle in one sitting last night. If I were to describe the wine to you, I would say it was a lovely red with deep velvety contempt, a crisp smack of assumption and heady notes of pretention. I have to say, I liked it very much.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So....it's been a while - wow, my last post was 2012...however, I have always held true to the fact that I would never post anything here fraudulently - it all needs to be genuine, and so for the last 18 months or so, I have had no cause to complain or wind anyone up! Until today.....I was looking to replace a laptop after my children thought that machines could get 'thirsty' and so decided to tip a pint of orange squash on the keyboard. Laptop didn't like that and promptly died. My children are now on basic rations until they are old enough to fight me for their freedom...

Below are 2 true accounts of an online discussion with a Dell sales rep - I am pretending to be the supervillain from Superman - (no not Lex Luthor) - GENERAL ZOD!!!

I should explain that I refer to 'alienware' - this is advertised on the Dell website and I still do not know exactly what it is - but this was my inspiration for becoming Zod - I thought I could pretend to think alienware is clothing for aliens....see where I am going with this??? The first person, called Ram, gave up on me (I really don't blame him), so there is a 2nd online conversation below with Amit.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!

Enjoy!