South Gloucestershite Council

Evening all. A few months back I got a parking ticket after parking for a whole 2 minutes on double yellows whilst making a request for a repeat prescription from my GP surgery. I was a bit miffed about it - yes, I know the law, and no I don't think that I am above it, but I also don't believe all things in life are black and white and I just felt that my treatment (i.e. a fine) was a little harsh. I mean, if I'd parked there, causing obstruction to other vehicles and pedestrians and in the meantime buggered off for an hour to do my shopping, then yes, lock me up and throw away the key. But TWO minutes? Really? Anyway I appealed the fine - which was unsuccessful, So after some deliberating, I figured what better way to get my money's worth from the fine imposed by my local council (South Gloucestershire, by the way), than to take part in a little civil mischief and disobedience?

I was utterly frustrated by the bureaucracy and the faceless and inhuman (not inhumane - I'm not a drama queen) way I had been treated.

I thought that the local governmental department that probably best exemplified this Orwellian shower of shit, would be the planning department - I had visions of the Circumlocution Office from Little Dorritt by one Charles Dickens. It seems little has changed in some 150 years...

To: South Gloucestershire Planning Applications

From: Steve Crowley

Dear sirs,

I was boggled by the sheer volume of options in this bureaucratic mess of bureaucracy.

So, to help, perhaps you can..... Help.

I wish to erect a Wiccan Temple in my back garden. Nothing big. Maybe 10ft by 10ft by 10ft, with a chimney extending to 20ft. It will only be used for animal and on occasion, human sacrifice to the God of Pedantry, Gerald.

I am sure I will need some form of planning permission so perhaps you could advise me on the initial steps in the process?

The Temple will be used mainly during daylight hours (it is customary for sacrifices to be made during hours of darkness but I fully appreciate I live in a residential area and the blood curdling screams of victims might disturb neighbours' sleep, and I'm sure the God Gerald won't mind, so long as he gets his fill of weasel and fair virgin)

Anyway, please let me know what forms need to be completed?

Kindest regards

Scholl are taking the piss...

Hello. I've been meaning to write to Scholl for some considerable time. I think it was last summer when I was in a shop and just happened to note their 'Cream for cracked heels'. See the photo below: 

The following email chain will be self explanatory:


1st June 2015
From: Steve Crowley
To: Scholl

Dear Sirs

Please see the attached photo.

I was out shopping with my wife recently to purchase some foot cream when I stumbled across one of your products.

On closer examination of your 'cream for repairing cracked heels', I noticed the ingredients. At first glance, nothing unusual, until I noticed the word 'urea'. That's right 'UREA'. Or in layman's terms - PISS!

Please tell me this is a simple typing error? To think my wife came incredibly close to rubbing someone else's piss into her feet makes me feel quite nauseous. Not to mention the dozens of avid Scholl consumers who have already no doubt rubbed several tubes of piss into their already trauma inducing and aesthetically upsetting feet. I mean feet are pretty ugly damned things at the best of times, and to add insult to injury, you're duping innocent people into soaking their extremities in piss?! Shame on you.

Another thing I'd like you to address is where are your getting all this piss from? Is every Scholl employee required to provide a sample for manufacturing purposes? Do you kidnap the homeless and force them into some sort of sick 'piss slavery' at some underground dungeon at Scholl HQ? Do you have thousands of rats hooked up to milking machines modified for extracting tiny volumes of rat piss?

I think you have some serious ethical questions to answer.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards