Bristol's Bilious Bridge

I hate shopping. I don't go in for all this 'we aim to provide a truly satisfying and unique shopping experience' crap.

Which brings us to Cabot Circus, Bristol's huge shopping redevelopment. To get from the car park to the shopping mall, you need to cross the worst designed bridge I have seen since the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As you walk across it, thanks to the skewed degree of the roofing structure, it makes you feel giddy and causes you to drift sideways as though you were drunk. It isn't just me - I have heard many people complain of similar.

George A Romero's zombie classic 'Dawn of the Dead' (a film primarily set in a shopping mall) is thought to be a satire on American consumerism. Well, folks, with Cabot Circus, we now have a Walking Dead of our own.

So I contacted Cabot Circus management - whilst not much of a success, I enjoyed toying with them by spouting all sorts of nonsense...

_________________________________________________________________ 

My first email to Cabot Circus:

Dear sir/madam

I am writing to express my disgust and frustration at the bridge that greets all shoppers leaving the car park and entering the Cabot Circus shopping centre at level 3. I attach a photo for your perusal.

The first thing you will notice is that the roof is completely on the piss (architectural term). In fact, my mate Roy, who is a brick layer said "whoever designed that mate, is a disgrace to arty texture" (I think he meant 'architecture' but we'd had a few pints by the time I showed him the photo).

My name in flashing lights....kind of.

The wonderful Anthony Matthews and his website 'Dear Customer Relations' the home of the world's funniest complaint letters, has included my PANDORA! epic saga in his website.

Follow this link.

Naked Wines - To the Manor Born!

I received an email from this delightful company telling me I am wonderful and inviting me to a wine tasting session. I was unable to attend, so like any polite person would, I replied to gracefully decline the offer.


Here is the initial email from Naked Wines to me:

11th April

Subject: Fancy a date with your winemakers?

Hello Steve, You're wonderful. And your winemakers want to tell you so in person. Grab your tasting tickets before they're gone. You invest your hard earned pennies each month to fund super-talented, independent winemakers.

And because of that, they're rather fond of you!

Make their day and join them at a wine tasting in Bristol on 23/06/2014 Tickets are only £15  and you'll get your money back if you order on the day.

When: Monday 23rd June 2014
Time: 6:30-9:00pm
Where: Passenger Shed, Temple Meads, Bristol, BS1 6QH.

__________________________________________________________________


...and here is my reply:
12th April


Thank you. I am pleased you think I am wonderful. I would personally prefer the term 'AWESOME!' (capitals only - it has more impact).

Samsung Kitkat Androids....or something like that.

I updated my phone from Android Version 4.3 'Jellybean' to v4.4 'Kitkat' - If you have no idea what I am talking about, I am seriously not making that up. After the update, I had problems with my phone which is well documented on t'internet by other phone and tablet users of the Android OS. I sent the email below and got a swift response - unfortunately the response from Samsung was by phone, but suffice to say, they resolved the problem very quickly and satisfactorily!!!

Enjoy...

Samsung Account Number: XXXXXXXXXX IMEI No: XXXXXXXXXXX/01


I am writing to vent my frustration at the sudden deterioration in my smartphones' performance. Allow me to briefly explain at length:

PANDORA! and the One Ring to Rule them all...

Ok - this email chain is looooong, HOWEVER, I think it is my best work yet. It has humour and wit, pictures, photographs and some witty responses from PANDORA! themselves. (You will see why I refer to this company as PANDORA!, as you read through the email chain)

And the result was £50 by way of an apology. Result!!!

Enjoy..........

_____________________________________________________________________

This is my first complaint email to PANDORA!

1st April 2014

Dear Pandora,

I am writing to seek resolution to something that I never thought would cause so much trauma and heartache - the purchase of a ring for an 11 year old little girl for Christmas.

This whole sorry saga began in November 2013 (see attached photo of receipt as proof of purchase). My wife paid for the ring on the understanding that it would need to be made to order to fit my daughter's sylph like finger. My wife was told that it could take a while and it was likely to be later than Christmas - possibly January of 2014. My daughter really wanted this ring and was prepared to wait. We have after all, raised her to appreciate the middle class virtue of deferred gratification. If that phrase is a little lost on you, think Heinz Tomato Ketchup - the best things come to those who wait...

Christmas came and went. It was traumatic, not least because I undercooked the turkey and made 15 close family members seriously ill with some form of botulism.

Naked Wines - what a jolly good bunch!

Ok, so it seems complaints and mischief letters are like buses. I shalln't say anymore...

I have been a member of Naked Wines for a couple of years and they are great. And I have to say that they handled this complaint fantastically well, if not a little slow to reply (although I guess 4 days isn't unreasonable). This is almost my biggest haul to date, as I got £83 worth of free wine out of it. Result!!!

I have changed names to allow anonymity but these people were high up the chain at Naked Wines. Enjoy!!!

PS: I am aware today is April 1st - this is genuine and not a hoax - just like all my other posts on this blog.

________________________________________________________________________________

28th March 2014 - email chain to Naked Wines:

Dear Roger,

My postcode: XXXX XXX

I have just come off the phone to Peter at your offices. Very pleasant and polite he was too.

The reason for my calling your office was because yesterday I received a case of 12 bottles of red wine which I do not recall ordering.


Nonetheless, I threw caution to the wind and assumed it must be a present from your good self, in recognition of my frugal support of Naked Wines over the last year or two. So, I polished off a bottle in one sitting last night. If I were to describe the wine to you, I would say it was a lovely red with deep velvety contempt, a crisp smack of assumption and heady notes of pretention. I have to say, I liked it very much.