Naked Wines - To the Manor Born!

I received an email from this delightful company telling me I am wonderful and inviting me to a wine tasting session. I was unable to attend, so like any polite person would, I replied to gracefully decline the offer.


Here is the initial email from Naked Wines to me:

11th April

Subject: Fancy a date with your winemakers?

Hello Steve, You're wonderful. And your winemakers want to tell you so in person. Grab your tasting tickets before they're gone. You invest your hard earned pennies each month to fund super-talented, independent winemakers.

And because of that, they're rather fond of you!

Make their day and join them at a wine tasting in Bristol on 23/06/2014 Tickets are only £15  and you'll get your money back if you order on the day.

When: Monday 23rd June 2014
Time: 6:30-9:00pm
Where: Passenger Shed, Temple Meads, Bristol, BS1 6QH.

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...and here is my reply:
12th April


Thank you. I am pleased you think I am wonderful. I would personally prefer the term 'AWESOME!' (capitals only - it has more impact).



Unfortunately,  I will be unable to attend the wine tasting, but would you mind sending a couple of bottles ex gratia so can taste them from the comfort of Crowley Towers? (it's not much, but we call it home - and the moat keeps the vandals and visigoths at bay).

Kind regards

Steve Crowley


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and the courteous response from Naked Wines
11th April

Hi Steve  Thank you for your email.

Unfortunately I am unable to acquiesce your request of a couple of bottles ex gatia.

I do hope that Crowley Towers doesn't go dry but if you do wish to place an order with us I hope our delivery company manage to navigate the moats accordingly.

Kind regards

 Michael


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 And here is my reply:

 13th April

Thank you for email.

I am somewhat put out to hear that you are unable to send me some free red wine. As a Lord of a manor, I am not really accustomed to actually having to pay for things, you understand.

I will send some of my mature male farm hands to market first thing in the morning to sell their daughters into slavery (Lord Grendle in the next village is always on the lookout for wenches and fair maidens, and will snap them up for a pretty penny, I'm sure). I can then use the proceeds to order a case of your delicious wine.

With regards the moat, you should inform your couriers that the moat has been freshly stocked with piranha so they should tread carefully. The moat had previously been stocked with fifty of the Queen's finest swans, but the piranha ate them. The following morning at dawn, I had thirty peasants hanged as a warning to the other villagers NEVER to listen to me as I am an idiot. The next day, I had thirty more hanged as a warning to the others, as I was fed up of being ignored.

I hope the above meets your approval.

Kindest regards

Steve Crowley

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Naked Wines, as polite as ever, replied to me with this:

14th April

Hi Steve

Thank you for your email.

Well I do hope Lord Grendle pays a good price for the farm hands daughters so you can have a case of our wines.

If there are any problems then please do let us know and we can deal with them accordingly for you.

Kind regards

Michael
Naked Wines  

 

 

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I thought I should reply, out of courtesy of course...

14th April

 

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I am sorry to report that the virgins in my parish fetched considerably less at market than I anticipated. Lord Grendle is a wretch, a scoundrel and a cad - he knows of my predilection for the sweet ruby nectar of the vine, and must have sensed my desperation by making intentionally low bids for the maidens at auction.

I shall have no choice but to wait until my Naked Wines account is a little more buoyant before ordering a case of your very fine wines.

As an aside, it has also come to my attention that, as a medieval Lord there are glaring historical inaccuracies in my communicating with you via email. As such, I have ceased to exist.

I bid you good day.

Kindest regards

Steve Crowley