Anyway, I wrote an email to customer services posing as an Army General looking to brighten the canvas dwellings at Camp Bastion in Afghanistan. The result? Some good banter from Cath's customer service manager and an unexpected delivery of about 6ft of flowery fabric!!! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that... Enjoy:
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| The partially opened packaging of the material I received one Saturday morning from the delightful people at Cath Kidstons. |
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| As you can see, about 8ft of the stuff. Not quite enough to give Camp Bastion a makeover, but enough for me to make a gorgeous London themed sarong. David Beckham, eat your heart out... |
First email to Cath Kidstons:
From: crowley stephen
Sent: 26 June 2014 15:08
To: Cath Kidston Order Enquiries
Subject: Flowery Fabric
Sent: 26 June 2014 15:08
To: Cath Kidston Order Enquiries
Subject: Flowery Fabric
Attention and good day.
I am writing to enquire how much it would cost if I
ordered 750 metres of flowery fabric for Camp Bastion. I need to
replace the original camouflage yurt coverings, with something less
intimidating to the locals. Your brand of floral patterns
is just what I might be looking for.
kind regards
____________________________________________________________________________
Cath Kidstons first response:
Dear Sgt Major Crowley
Thank you for your email which has been forwarded for my urgent attention.
We
would be delighted to help you cheer up camp Bastion with our gorgeous
fabric. You should be aware that our cotton duck fabric will fade in the
sun but this will just
add a lovely shabby chic feel. You will be the envy of camps all around
the world.
If I can direct you to our website
http://www.cathkidston.com/
If
you decide to order I can offer you a special 10% discount as long as
you provide my team with a picture of you and your battalion for our
noticeboard.
We are forever humbled by your dedication and sacrifice. Thank you for protecting and defending our country.
Kind Regards
LORRAINE KELLY
CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE MANAGER______________________________________________________________________________
Attention Lorraine! Don't slouch your shoulders!
Many thanks for your email received at 0922 hours this morning.
Your
offer of a discount is most kind. Whilst I cannot acquiesce to your
request for a photo for obvious reasons (need I mention the Official
Secrets Act?), I have taken the liberty of commissioning an artists
impression of the Camp once the makeover has been completed. Please see
the attached picture.
In the meantime, I think I have settled on the 'London
Scene Cotton Duck' fabric - I think the Afghan locals will really
appreciate the pictures of red London buses, Grenadier Guards and
Buckingham Palace as a lasting memorial of the UK army's occupation of
Helmand Province.
Could you give me a price on 750m of said fabric?
kind regards
Sgt Major S Crowley
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| As you can see Lorraine - my artist has researched your products thoroughly. |
________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Sgt Major Crowley
Roger to not slouching the shoulders.
Your
artist’s impression is very impressive, it does look wonderful. I
especially like the reference to our prints, you have done your
research. It’s easy to
see why you hold the rank you do. Job well done Sgt Major Sir!
London
print is a great choice, 750m of this fabric would be a very reasonable
£15,000. With discount applied it comes to £12750, I will also include
free UK
shipping.
My
team are disappointed not to receive a picture but we do understand the
importance of security. I will ensure they start work on an artist’s
impression of
you immediately and it will take pride of place on our noticeboard.
If
you wish to go ahead and place the order please email with the code
word “ the eagle has landed”. In the meantime would you like me to send
you a sample
of the fabric?
Kind Regards
LORRAINE KELLY
CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE MANAGER
_____________________________________________________________________________
Attention Lorraine! Keep those shoulders straight!
Sgt
Major here - many thanks for your kind words - yes, I know a thing or
three about fabric - you'll not be surprised to hear that before my
career in the army began, I was chief haberdasher of the Woking
Haberdashers Guild - I received a name for myself after creating the now
infamous 'front and backless pinafore'. It essentially consisted of a
thin strip of floral fabric that was tied round the waist and offered
very little protection against the elements, or cooking. It didn't take
off I am afraid as women at the time were simply not prepared to go out
naked save for a belt of flowery fabric round the midriff. I tried the
look out for myself - around the home only of course, but that soon
stopped after I managed to burn myself on the oven - I have had a
curious limp ever since.
I decided shortly thereafter this cooking related
accident, that a career in the army would be better suited to my
maverick ways...and of course to my incessant thirst for killing people.
LOL!
Anyway, look at me rambling on - your kind offer of a sample of
fabric would be tip top, Lorraine. It just so happens I am on leave at
present so if you wouldn't mind posting the swatch to the following
address, I would be most grateful:
Sgt Major S Crowley
104 XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXX
BS1 7FU
kindest regards
Sgt Major S Crowley
________________________________________________________________________________________
The next day I received the fabric pictured above. Result!
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