Aqua Card - The banking sectors' answer to Robin Hood

I received one of those speculative letters from Aqua Card not so long back asking me to apply for their card. What appauled me more than anything was that the credit company was clearly aimed at people with bad credit and probably little money. The card offered an incredibly high rate of interest compared to others on the market and I felt that poor people were being taken advantage of yet again by those rich bastards in the banking sector. They even claimed that by using their card REGULARLY, you could actually IMPROVE YOUR CREDIT RATING!?!?! Below is my letter to the company. Sadly, they never replied - I am considering applying for their credit card, and then sending a similar letter - once a customer, they will be obliged by FSA regulations to reply to my complaints as a customer.....

Customer enquiry

aqua card Services
Customer Care Department
Pitreavie Business Park
Dunfermline
Scotland
KY99 4BS

20^th March 2012

Dear Sir/Madam,

                        Thank you for sending me an application form through the post. I don’t remember asking for one – I feel like one of those lucky people who have been specially selected by Reader’s Digest to enter their prize draw. Would you believe I have been taking part in that draw for years and have never won a thing? Hopefully my luck is about to change once I acquire my new aqua card Credit Card.

I understand you have the best APR at over 32% - most other major banks offer a pathetic 16% or so – that’s only half what you are offering. Some banks even make you wait for 12-18 months before they even offer you APR at all. With great rates like yours, I am surprised you manage to turn over a profit.

My mate, Roy says that APR stands for Assistance with Payment Reductions. To think you can reduce my payments while I go out spending irresponsibly is very attractive to me. Most other lenders just seem to want people to spend money that doesn’t belong to them, whilst charging an extortionate amount for the privilege.

I have already checked with my local betting shop and they confirmed that they do take all major credit cards. So the plan is, I use my new aqua card to make a load of bets, and from the winnings, I pay off the credit card bill and treat my wife to a new ‘Henry’ vacuum – she loves his little ‘face’, and always laughs hysterically whenever she sees it in the Argos catalogue. We don’t own an Argos catalogue, so most days we just pop down to our local store, turn to page 465 (item 7) and just stand there laughing. Well, actually, we now travel to an Argos at an out of town retail centre because our local branch banned us, citing ‘driving away customer business’ as their main reason. Have you ever seen a Henry vacuum? It’s a vacuum, but it’s called Henry, and he’s got a face with cartoon eyes! It really is comedy gold.

Before I apply for your credit card, could you confirm if you issue credit cards in colours other than white? White reminds me of ghosts, and my wife claims that she was made pregnant by a ghost. I am not sure if I believe her, and I can’t even get a paternity test done as the alleged ‘ghost’ is not readily available to provide a hair sample for analysis. Between you and me, there is something decidedly odd about her whole story.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

Stephen Crowley