"Some Traffic Wardens are Ass Clowns." Discuss.

I know what you're thinking - Another post on the same day? 

Yup - And It's not even close to Xmas. That's how much I care.

This is self explanatory. I got a parking ticket when on holiday in Devon. Only thing is I WAS displaying a valid ticket? I appealed and they let me off - quite right too. But I replied to vent my frustration at being inconvenienced.





Here's my email:

To: Devon Council Parking Enforcement
From: Steve Crowley

Dear Sirs

Thanks for letting me off my parking ticket. Really annoying that I had a valid ticket all along though.

I've attached a picture - feel free to use it next time you're recruiting more traffic wardens - nail on the head, don't you agree?

________________________________________________

Not sure why, but I never got a reply...

The Savage Squirrel

Whaddup bitches! (sorry - been listening to Kendrick Lamar rather a lot recently).

So - we moved just over a year ago. At the end of our front garden is a stream. On the bank of said stream is a big tree. Big tree drops it's shit in our gutter. I wrote to the council to ask if they would prune it back.

They eventually replied saying basically the tree is safe and structurally sound - not their problem. If I want to cut it back (because of course I'm really nimble and can scale trees like a ****ing gibbon) then I may do so, or pay £££'s to get a professional to do it.

I wasn't happy with their response - I already pay over £200 per month in Council Tax, so I wrote the email below, with pictures. I have been unable to elicit a response - bastards. I am still working on it and will update this post when/if I make some progress.

Here's the Council reply to my request to survey the tree:

Dear Mr Crowley,

Thank you for your recent enquiry relating to the trees at the above location.

I can confirm the site was inspected on 18^thApril 2017 and an assessment made of the tree which is of concern to you. At the time of inspection, the tree appeared to be structurally sound with no significant defects or diseases.

Any work to council owned trees is prioritised with Health and Safety taking precedent. All other works are carried out at the discretion of Tree Officers and within available resource. Tree works are not carried out solely for the reason of shading, leaf/fruit fall, dropping sap, or the presence of insects. As the inspection identified no health and safety problems, tree works cannot be justified at present.

If you wish to cut back the tree, you have the common law right to remove branches to your boundary. If you wish to dispose of the branches on SGC land, you must first ask permission. If you wish to exercise your common law rights, but do not, or are unable to do the work yourself. We hold a list of approved, insured and qualified tree companies.

It is important to us that our trees are maintained to a safe standard and I regret we can be of no further assistance at this time.

Yours Sincerely

Ray Mears 

Arboricultural Technician

South Gloucestershire Council

Dept Environment and Community Services

Stakeholder Team

Mobile 07712 ******

Landline 01454 ******

_____________________________________________________

Here's my reply:

Ray. Thank you for the email. 

Could I ask you to reconsider pruning the tree? We're desperate:

There is a local squirrel that gains access to our bedroom via an overgrown branch on your tree. 

The other night, this crazed vermin crept into our bedroom and assaulted my wife by repeatedly scratching her face with its tiny claws. She required a tetanus shot.

To literally add insult to injury, the attacker flicked us the middle finger as it fled our home.

I attach pictures of the aftermath for your perusal.

We're not safe in our own home anymore. 

I trust you can now agree to prune back the tree for our own health and safety?

Kindest regards.

I heard nothing, so chased up the council for a response. They're playing hard ball so I will persevere and update this post when I get a reply:

Hi Ray. 

I don't appear to have received a response to my email. 

Could you confirm when your team will be coming out to prune the offending tree? 

We daren't open our windows for fear of the ferral squirrel, which as you can imagine is an inconvenience, what with the warm weather approaching.

Kindest regards

_________________________________________________

Still nothing, so I sent this:

Seriously Ray, do you think you could confirm when you're going to sorry this tree out? You've seen the state of that squirrel.

A reply would be much appreciated.

Kindest Gerard's.

_________________________________________________

I noticed a mistake in that last email so sent this:

Sorry Ray. My email should have read 'sort' not 'sorry'. I've turned to drink through fear of this damned squirrel, and mistyped in a drunken stupor.

Muchas Gracias 

_________________________________________________

I'll keep you posted with updates.

Don't believe everything you read.

Happy New Year! 

A friend texted me in last couple of days to say the Bristol Evening Post and The Mirror had mentioned me in an article about the wonky bridge at the Cabot Circus shopping mall in Bristol. (I wrote a few emails to the people at Cabot Circus a couple of years back ((see here for the original blog post)) and it had now been mentioned in the press.)

Anyway, ever on the lookout for recognition, glory and fame in an otherwise mundane and essentially meaningless suburban life, I checked out the article on Bristol Evening Post and The Mirror's website. Sure enough, a brief mention of me, my blog post and the response from the lovely people at Cabot Circus appeared in the article. It read:

There is even a Facebook group devoted to the bridge, set up by Bristol blogger Steve Crowley, called 'The wonky bridge in Cabot Circus makes me feel dizzy and sick.' The closed group has 229 members.

In response to a letter from Mr Crowley about the bridge's dizzying effects, Berty Aherne, Customer Service Co-ordinator for Cabot Circus said: "The Cabot Circus car parking link bridge has been signed off to all mandatory requirements and the centre has won numerous awards for its design and building efficiency.

"The feedback to date has been positive from a design and practical point of view so we do not intend on making any changes for the foreseeable future."

They called me 'Bristol Blogger, Steve Crowley'? I liked that - made me feel dangerous, like a blogging version of Banksy. Just without the money. And fame. And talent. 

Anyway, the real point is this - did you see who replied to me from Cabot Circus? Yes, none other than Berty Aherne. Some of you will be tittering to yourselves right now. Well done you. For the rest of you, here is the email I sent to the Bristol Evening Post and Mirror newspapers to explain the mistake:





From: Steve Crowley
To: Bristol Evening Post, The Mirror UK

Subject: Your article on the Wonky Bridge in Bristol


Happy New Year!

The above named article was brought to my attention as it mentions me by name as well as my blog (http://stephencrowley.blogspot.co.uk/). 

I should probably make you aware that whilst all emails and responses from third parties on my blog are 100% genuine, I always change the names to protect anonymity and myself from accusations of libel. 

Unfortunately, your article includes the following quote:

In response to a letter from Mr Crowley about the bridge's dizzying effects, Berty Aherne, Customer Service Co-ordinator for Cabot Circus said: "The Cabot Circus car parking link bridge has been signed off to all mandatory requirements and the centre has won numerous awards for its design and building efficiency.

Berty Ahern was not the real name of the Cabot Circus employee that I corresponded with on my Cabot Circus blogpost. Berty Ahern was in fact Taoiseach (Head of Government) of Ireland from 1997-2008.

I am fairly confident he has never worked for Cabot Circus and I rather suspect he probably never will.

Here is a picture of him:

He is sat, quietly trying to restore his composure after walking across a wonky bridge that made him feel dizzy and sick.

I look forward to hearing from you presently.

Kindest regards

I heard back from the Journalist at Bristol Evening Post. A young (or perhaps seasoned - I've never met her) reporter by the name of Hunter S Thompson (remember what I said about protecting anonymity etc...?). She was good humoured about it and laughed it off - we all make mistakes don't we? God only knows I've made enough of them...

From: Hunter S Thompson (Bristol Evening Ppost)

To: Steve Crowley

Hi Stephen

Thanks for your email which has certainly made me laugh out loud (and feel somewhat embarrassed) this morning. 

It would appear the Daily Mirror didn't pick up on this when they ran the story either. 

I did attempt to contact Cabot Circus for myself when I wrote the story but wasn't able to get hold of anyone. 

I thoroughly enjoyed reading the blog and I hope it's ok that I referenced it for the purposes of my story.

I will amend the copy to read 'a spokesman for Cabot Circus said'- just to be on the safe side.

Kind Regards

Hunter S Thompson

Bristol Post

A Lidl Less Conversation

Ahoy hoy!

I'll begin with this:

I successfully got Athena ANPR Ltd (acting on behalf of Lidl) to cancel a parking charge they made against me by sending silly emails and hand drawn pictures of stick men. Heck, you may even want to try it yourself. It's a lot of fun...

Please read on:

I love Lidl. I really do. I feel like I'm shopping in Spain whenever I go there. Except it's a German company, I'm in the UK, and it's pissing down with rain outside.

Anyway - a few months back, my local Lidl in Yate, near Bristol, installed cameras in it's car park and put up signs offering free parking of 90 minutes to Lidl customers and WARNINGS of parking charges of £90 being incurred if you don't shop there. I don't believe it is legally enforceable. 

To cut a long story short, what really moved me to make this complaint is that a couple of months ago I was waiting in the queue at Lidl and saw an old man of about 80 years, looking quite frightened and pleading with the Lidl manager about this letter he'd receive demanding £90 from him. The old man was insisting that he only EVER parked in the Lidl car park if he was actually shopping at the store.

I saw what was going on and intervened. I advised the old man not to pay the parking charge. Sadly, he ignored my advice and paid the fine. I was incensed that this vulnerable pensioner had been taken advantage of.

So the next time I shopped at Lidl, I parked outside the store and then lied at the checkout when they asked if I had used their car park. About a week later I received a letter from Athena ANPR Ltd acting on behalf of Lidl. 

Here is the letter:

As you can see, the letter looks very official and is clearly meant to intimidate people (like the poor old man in the store) into paying - I mean, a big reputable company like Lidl wouldn't try and extort money deceptively would they?

The following email chain is word for word genuinely what happened betwixt myself and them. 

Try it yourself - shop at Lidl, refuse to give your car details, but keep the receipt and take a photo in case you lose it - if it all goes wrong, you can still use the receipt as proof of purchase. Have fun!

__________________________________________________

This is my first email to the Appeals section at Athena ANPR Ltd:

From: Steve Crowley 
Sent: 10 April 2016 16:29
To: appeals
Subject: Parking Charge Notice Number XXXXXXXXX

Dear Sirs

I write in reference to the above Civil Parking Charge Notice.

Please note the following points:

1. I do not believe I am liable to pay this fine. Please advise on what basis you believe I am liable to pay the charge. i.e. What is the charge actually for? Is it a fine? Is it legally enforceable? Is it for Lidl’s pecuniary losses arising from the fact I was parked in their car park?

2. I believe I had shopped at Lidl on the date of the alleged incident, during the times that my vehicle is alleged to have stayed at the car park. I believe that I bought among other things, a High School Musical magazine, and some toilet roll. And for the record, it’s not what you think - my daughter likes High School Musical, hence the magazine, and all members of my family use toilet roll. Except my son. He uses his sister’s toothbrush.

I look forward to you addressing the above points and receiving confirmation that the Parking Charge has been withdrawn.

Kind regards.

South Gloucestershite Council

Evening all. A few months back I got a parking ticket after parking for a whole 2 minutes on double yellows whilst making a request for a repeat prescription from my GP surgery. I was a bit miffed about it - yes, I know the law, and no I don't think that I am above it, but I also don't believe all things in life are black and white and I just felt that my treatment (i.e. a fine) was a little harsh. I mean, if I'd parked there, causing obstruction to other vehicles and pedestrians and in the meantime buggered off for an hour to do my shopping, then yes, lock me up and throw away the key. But TWO minutes? Really? Anyway I appealed the fine - which was unsuccessful, So after some deliberating, I figured what better way to get my money's worth from the fine imposed by my local council (South Gloucestershire, by the way), than to take part in a little civil mischief and disobedience?

I was utterly frustrated by the bureaucracy and the faceless and inhuman (not inhumane - I'm not a drama queen) way I had been treated.

I thought that the local governmental department that probably best exemplified this Orwellian shower of shit, would be the planning department - I had visions of the Circumlocution Office from Little Dorritt by one Charles Dickens. It seems little has changed in some 150 years...

To: South Gloucestershire Planning Applications

From: Steve Crowley

Dear sirs,

I was boggled by the sheer volume of options in this bureaucratic mess of bureaucracy.

So, to help, perhaps you can..... Help.

I wish to erect a Wiccan Temple in my back garden. Nothing big. Maybe 10ft by 10ft by 10ft, with a chimney extending to 20ft. It will only be used for animal and on occasion, human sacrifice to the God of Pedantry, Gerald.

I am sure I will need some form of planning permission so perhaps you could advise me on the initial steps in the process?

The Temple will be used mainly during daylight hours (it is customary for sacrifices to be made during hours of darkness but I fully appreciate I live in a residential area and the blood curdling screams of victims might disturb neighbours' sleep, and I'm sure the God Gerald won't mind, so long as he gets his fill of weasel and fair virgin)

Anyway, please let me know what forms need to be completed?

Kindest regards

Scholl are taking the piss...

Hello. I've been meaning to write to Scholl for some considerable time. I think it was last summer when I was in a shop and just happened to note their 'Cream for cracked heels'. See the photo below: 

The following email chain will be self explanatory:


1st June 2015
From: Steve Crowley
To: Scholl

Dear Sirs

Please see the attached photo.

I was out shopping with my wife recently to purchase some foot cream when I stumbled across one of your products.

On closer examination of your 'cream for repairing cracked heels', I noticed the ingredients. At first glance, nothing unusual, until I noticed the word 'urea'. That's right 'UREA'. Or in layman's terms - PISS!

Please tell me this is a simple typing error? To think my wife came incredibly close to rubbing someone else's piss into her feet makes me feel quite nauseous. Not to mention the dozens of avid Scholl consumers who have already no doubt rubbed several tubes of piss into their already trauma inducing and aesthetically upsetting feet. I mean feet are pretty ugly damned things at the best of times, and to add insult to injury, you're duping innocent people into soaking their extremities in piss?! Shame on you.

Another thing I'd like you to address is where are your getting all this piss from? Is every Scholl employee required to provide a sample for manufacturing purposes? Do you kidnap the homeless and force them into some sort of sick 'piss slavery' at some underground dungeon at Scholl HQ? Do you have thousands of rats hooked up to milking machines modified for extracting tiny volumes of rat piss?

I think you have some serious ethical questions to answer.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards 

Cath Kidston - for women who yearn to be back in the womb...

I don't get Cath Kidston. My wife and daughter love her stuff. I don't. Admittedly, I probably do not fall into Cath's typical target audience but nonetheless, polka dots and 1950's floral patterns? really?

Anyway, I wrote an email to customer services posing as an Army General looking to brighten the canvas dwellings at Camp Bastion in Afghanistan. The result? Some good banter from Cath's customer service manager and an unexpected delivery of about 6ft of flowery fabric!!! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth and all that... Enjoy:

The partially opened packaging of the material I received one Saturday morning from the delightful people at Cath Kidstons.

As you can see, about 8ft of the stuff. Not quite enough to give Camp Bastion a makeover, but enough for me to make a gorgeous London themed sarong. David Beckham, eat your heart out...

First email to Cath Kidstons:

From: crowley stephen
Sent: 26 June 2014 15:08
To: Cath Kidston Order Enquiries
Subject: Flowery Fabric

Attention and good day.

I am writing to enquire how much it would cost if I ordered 750 metres of flowery fabric for Camp Bastion. I need to replace the original camouflage yurt coverings, with something less intimidating to the locals. Your brand of floral patterns is just what I might be looking for.

kind regards

Sgt Major S. Crowley

The 4th Emergency Service

I complained to the AA. It really requires no further explanation - read on:


Email to AA:

Dear sirs.

As a recovering alcoholic, I find it most inappropriate that you should be advertising restaurants and pubs on your website. Hasn't it occurred to you that you might be dangling a phallus of irresistible temptation right under their noses?!

I look forward to receiving your considered and reasoned response.

kindest regards

Stephen Crowley

 

________________________________________________________________________________

 

This is their dry response:

The law is an ass!

It's official - I am a criminal. A vile reprobate and a menace to society.

I was caught speeding recently. I don't own a particularly fast car, and I am certainly not a boy racer - I am 38 years old, a teacher, I like brown corduroys and shirts made by Barbour....And I am ginger.

Anyway, I was invited on a Driver Speed Awareness Course in forfeit of a fine and points on my licence. I acceeded.

The course was actually quite interesting, and as I mention below, for what it is worth, I genuinely do think the Police do a damned tough and important job - and for the most part, they probably get it right. However, after attending the course, I felt a little aggrieved, so I sent an email to Devon and Cornwall Constabulary:

The man in the picture is me being brutally attacked by the police*

(*entirely untrue)

Email to Devon and Cornwall Constabulary

Letter of appreciation:

Dear sir/madam

The Faceless Face of Customer Facing Food Stores

I use supermarkets like everyone else because they are cheaper than independent stores and they are quick and convenient. However, they are such sterile and clinical places that I do feel alienated at times by the whole experience (see previous post re: Dawn of the Dead).

Anyway, we did some shopping for my mother in law and I spotted a bag of potatoes, the packaging of which just seemed to sum up the banality of these huge homogenised corporations. I wrote to Sainsbury's and tried to offer some advice and guidance:



Dear sir/madam

I am writing to congratulate you on a sublime piece of marketing. See the attached photo. It is a bag of vegetables labelled Potatoes - Great for family meals - Easy and versatile.
 

I would like to offer my thanks to the Marketing guru who came up with that catchy slogan. It works on so many levels. Genius.

Whilst you clearly seem to employ the best in the business, I'd like to offer my services to your Marketing Department as I feel I am on much the same wavelength. I attach some conceptual artwork just as a taster of the unique talent I have to offer.

Conceptual artwork for Baked Beans - sorry, I went a bit out of the lines - this won't happen on the real packaging as I can write all the way round the tin.

Bristol's Bilious Bridge

I hate shopping. I don't go in for all this 'we aim to provide a truly satisfying and unique shopping experience' crap.

Which brings us to Cabot Circus, Bristol's huge shopping redevelopment. To get from the car park to the shopping mall, you need to cross the worst designed bridge I have seen since the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. As you walk across it, thanks to the skewed degree of the roofing structure, it makes you feel giddy and causes you to drift sideways as though you were drunk. It isn't just me - I have heard many people complain of similar.

George A Romero's zombie classic 'Dawn of the Dead' (a film primarily set in a shopping mall) is thought to be a satire on American consumerism. Well, folks, with Cabot Circus, we now have a Walking Dead of our own.

So I contacted Cabot Circus management - whilst not much of a success, I enjoyed toying with them by spouting all sorts of nonsense...

_________________________________________________________________ 

My first email to Cabot Circus:

Dear sir/madam

I am writing to express my disgust and frustration at the bridge that greets all shoppers leaving the car park and entering the Cabot Circus shopping centre at level 3. I attach a photo for your perusal.

The first thing you will notice is that the roof is completely on the piss (architectural term). In fact, my mate Roy, who is a brick layer said "whoever designed that mate, is a disgrace to arty texture" (I think he meant 'architecture' but we'd had a few pints by the time I showed him the photo).

My name in flashing lights....kind of.

The wonderful Anthony Matthews and his website 'Dear Customer Relations' the home of the world's funniest complaint letters, has included my PANDORA! epic saga in his website.

Follow this link.

Naked Wines - To the Manor Born!

I received an email from this delightful company telling me I am wonderful and inviting me to a wine tasting session. I was unable to attend, so like any polite person would, I replied to gracefully decline the offer.


Here is the initial email from Naked Wines to me:

11th April

Subject: Fancy a date with your winemakers?

Hello Steve, You're wonderful. And your winemakers want to tell you so in person. Grab your tasting tickets before they're gone. You invest your hard earned pennies each month to fund super-talented, independent winemakers.

And because of that, they're rather fond of you!

Make their day and join them at a wine tasting in Bristol on 23/06/2014 Tickets are only £15  and you'll get your money back if you order on the day.

When: Monday 23rd June 2014
Time: 6:30-9:00pm
Where: Passenger Shed, Temple Meads, Bristol, BS1 6QH.

__________________________________________________________________


...and here is my reply:
12th April


Thank you. I am pleased you think I am wonderful. I would personally prefer the term 'AWESOME!' (capitals only - it has more impact).

Samsung Kitkat Androids....or something like that.

I updated my phone from Android Version 4.3 'Jellybean' to v4.4 'Kitkat' - If you have no idea what I am talking about, I am seriously not making that up. After the update, I had problems with my phone which is well documented on t'internet by other phone and tablet users of the Android OS. I sent the email below and got a swift response - unfortunately the response from Samsung was by phone, but suffice to say, they resolved the problem very quickly and satisfactorily!!!

Enjoy...

Samsung Account Number: XXXXXXXXXX IMEI No: XXXXXXXXXXX/01


I am writing to vent my frustration at the sudden deterioration in my smartphones' performance. Allow me to briefly explain at length:

PANDORA! and the One Ring to Rule them all...

Ok - this email chain is looooong, HOWEVER, I think it is my best work yet. It has humour and wit, pictures, photographs and some witty responses from PANDORA! themselves. (You will see why I refer to this company as PANDORA!, as you read through the email chain)

And the result was £50 by way of an apology. Result!!!

Enjoy..........

_____________________________________________________________________

This is my first complaint email to PANDORA!

1st April 2014

Dear Pandora,

I am writing to seek resolution to something that I never thought would cause so much trauma and heartache - the purchase of a ring for an 11 year old little girl for Christmas.

This whole sorry saga began in November 2013 (see attached photo of receipt as proof of purchase). My wife paid for the ring on the understanding that it would need to be made to order to fit my daughter's sylph like finger. My wife was told that it could take a while and it was likely to be later than Christmas - possibly January of 2014. My daughter really wanted this ring and was prepared to wait. We have after all, raised her to appreciate the middle class virtue of deferred gratification. If that phrase is a little lost on you, think Heinz Tomato Ketchup - the best things come to those who wait...

Christmas came and went. It was traumatic, not least because I undercooked the turkey and made 15 close family members seriously ill with some form of botulism.

Naked Wines - what a jolly good bunch!

Ok, so it seems complaints and mischief letters are like buses. I shalln't say anymore...

I have been a member of Naked Wines for a couple of years and they are great. And I have to say that they handled this complaint fantastically well, if not a little slow to reply (although I guess 4 days isn't unreasonable). This is almost my biggest haul to date, as I got £83 worth of free wine out of it. Result!!!

I have changed names to allow anonymity but these people were high up the chain at Naked Wines. Enjoy!!!

PS: I am aware today is April 1st - this is genuine and not a hoax - just like all my other posts on this blog.

________________________________________________________________________________

28th March 2014 - email chain to Naked Wines:

Dear Roger,

My postcode: XXXX XXX

I have just come off the phone to Peter at your offices. Very pleasant and polite he was too.

The reason for my calling your office was because yesterday I received a case of 12 bottles of red wine which I do not recall ordering.


Nonetheless, I threw caution to the wind and assumed it must be a present from your good self, in recognition of my frugal support of Naked Wines over the last year or two. So, I polished off a bottle in one sitting last night. If I were to describe the wine to you, I would say it was a lovely red with deep velvety contempt, a crisp smack of assumption and heady notes of pretention. I have to say, I liked it very much.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So....it's been a while - wow, my last post was 2012...however, I have always held true to the fact that I would never post anything here fraudulently - it all needs to be genuine, and so for the last 18 months or so, I have had no cause to complain or wind anyone up! Until today.....I was looking to replace a laptop after my children thought that machines could get 'thirsty' and so decided to tip a pint of orange squash on the keyboard. Laptop didn't like that and promptly died. My children are now on basic rations until they are old enough to fight me for their freedom...

Below are 2 true accounts of an online discussion with a Dell sales rep - I am pretending to be the supervillain from Superman - (no not Lex Luthor) - GENERAL ZOD!!!

I should explain that I refer to 'alienware' - this is advertised on the Dell website and I still do not know exactly what it is - but this was my inspiration for becoming Zod - I thought I could pretend to think alienware is clothing for aliens....see where I am going with this??? The first person, called Ram, gave up on me (I really don't blame him), so there is a 2nd online conversation below with Amit.

KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!!!

Enjoy!

Virgin Medicals...ding ding, round 2

I have had cause to visit the Virgin Media website several times recently due to a complaint that is currently ongoing. I will post the results to that when it is resolved. As a result of visiting the website, one of those windows popped up again - see the post below if you don't follow me. It is frustrating that after a while, the Virgin Media man can end the online conversation and stop me from typing if he gets fed up, so I had to go back several times to finish the conversation. It is also amusing that these employees are obviously from an offshore call centre and have stereotyped the British public as being homogenously Christian since it appears that every employee is a man named after one of the four Gospels. It would be nice to see them reflect our British multicultural society a little more accurately and greet me with a 'Sanjeev', 'Muhammad', 'Daniel' or 'Sarah'.......anyhoo - enjoy:

Web conversation #1